Trying to Maintain Access to Essentials During Covid-19 While Disabled

image description: A very crowded grocery store with many people waiting at the checkout like

The world it seems has dissended into chaos as a result of the novel coronavirus. The real problem here is that it leaves vulnerable people at risk of not being able to quire groceries. I am personally am facing imminent food insecurity as the ways I am able to obtain food come into higher demand.

I rely on grocery delivery services to get food. Not only are these workers working through the added barrier of far too many people being in the stores at one which make their jobs harder but they are also being inundated with more orders than usual as people choose to remain home rather than shop for themselves.

This leaves disabled people like me in the position of being left the scraps. I have no way of knowing if the groceries I ordered yesterday will be available when someone is finally going to be able to shop for them tomorrow evening. I’m not optimist. This means I will likely have to make multiple orders over several days. This adds additional costs that I can already ill afford.

I was relying on receiving student loans over the summer but with cancellation and universities closing, I might not be able to access that option.

The problem of overcrowding and panic buying at the grocery store presents issues beyond placing vulnerable people into food insecurity. It will also help spread the virus. Toronto (where I am) and other places have started to experience community spread of the disease. It is so important to be able to practice social distancing right now. Crowding grocery stores at this time puts everyone at much higher risk.

We desperately need the trend of panic buying to end not only so other people can access necessary supplies but to also make the act of shopping safer. It will be a total nightmare if there is a covid-19 outbreak at a grocery store.

Please plan for and act responsibly during this time. One of the biggest things you can do is to STOP PANIC BUYING! You are creating vulnerabilities in the community by doing so. You are also ensuring that grocery store are packed to the gills which seriously increases the risk of transmission.

Only go to the store if you need something, and if you are able do that shopping yourself. Disabled people and other people at high risk, rely on delivery services, so please do not monopolize them.

If your in the financial position to do so please consider those of us who are placed in financial trouble by this pandemic.

Remember, getting through this is going to be a community effort.

If you are able please consider helping me financially during this time. My situation is quite precarious.

You can support me on Patreon

You can buy me a coffee

Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Or send me money directly through Paypal

paypal.me/crippledscholar

So You Can’t Take Your Reusable Mug To Starbucks Anymore but Why is No One Talking About The Environment Though?

Image Description: A Starbucks disposable cup with a blurry cafe in the background

Starbucks, The Second Cup and Tim Hortons are temporarily discontinuing their practice of allowing customers to bring in their own reusable mugs because the practice is seen as a potential way to spread the corona virus. I have no particular issue with this change in policy but the conversation around it or more accurately the conversation that is not happening is more interesting.

This change is being presented without reference to the reason these stores promoted the option to bring reusable cups in the first place. Reusable mugs are encouraged encouraged because of the desire to cut down on the waste produced by disposable cups.

This is important to consider because it really demonstrates who is valued in the world and whose needs it is necessary to consider while creating policies that have a social impact. For years environmental activists have been waging a war against single use plastics and individually created waste. There was a lot of focus placed on individuals to make personal decisions that reduced their individual waste.

In some cases, particularly regarding single use plastics like straws, people who benefit from them were actively demonized, spoken over, or ignored. This is despite the fact that items like plastic straws are necessary for many disabled people to enable their ability to drink (and no reusable options are not good substitutes, I have already fought you, go away). Items like prepacked precut fruits and vegetables give access and improve the quality of life of many disabled people with dexterity issues (myself included).

When disabled people objected to the demonization and efforts (some successful) to ban these items, we were treated as disposable, as acceptable collateral to the fight for the environment. Yet, here we are in a situation where another environmental endeavour potentially raises the risk to the primarily nondisabled population and suddenly the environmental aspect of why that policy existed in the first place disappears. There is no outcry that the risk of viral spread is an acceptable risk in the fight to save the environment.

Again, I am entirely fine with this change in policy. It is the appropriate response to lower the risk of viral spread. It is however telling that the same consideration is not given when the population at risk of harm is disabled people.

And to be clear rhetoric around the spread and risk of the corona virus is already seriously devaluing disabled people. The risk of a fatal infection of the virus is highest in people who have compromised immune systems. So the risk is greatest for disabled people and the elderly.

Many people are already minimizing the threat of the virus simply because they are not the people at greatest risk. They are treating those that are as inconsequential. This indicates just how othered disabled people are. We are not the people who will be mourned if we are casualties to this virus.

That is why it is so important that the change in policy in major coffee franchises hasn’t included the environmental angle in discussion. It shows very clearly whose needs must be considered when making concessions in discussions of “the greater good” and whose needs can be ignored regardless of the consequences.

How to Support My Work

So now for the very in-depth appeal for support for my PhD. Please read through this, there are so many ways to help, including just sharing this blog post on social media.

If you want to help me buy books and other resources for my PhD, you can buy me an amazon gift card and send it to the following email address

The email is kimberleyjanephd@gmail.com

I will not be answering queries about my research through this email. It is solely a way for people who want to support my work to be able to do so. (this is a safety boundary). If you want to talk to me, find me on Twitter.

My research and supporting myself will get past the reading phase and there will be field work in my future. If you would like to help me fund my PhD in the long term you can

support me on patreon

Become a Patron!

buy me a ko-fi

send me money via paypal

send an e money transfer to the email above (if you have scruples about third party sites) use the answer “scholar” for etransfers

Months After Getting out of the Psych Ward: The Work of Coming to Terms with What Happened and Moving Forward

On the 27th of December, two days before my birthday, my brother texted me to see if I had any birthday plans. This was the first contact I had gotten from any member of my family in months. My last exchange with my brother ended with him accusing me of trying to start a fight because I was trying to explain how I felt post getting out of the psych ward after having been forcibly committed based on a 911 call by our sister from whom I was already estranged. An estrangement that was her decision.

This text from my brother and a stand alone “Happy Birthday” on my actual birthday is the only contact I’ve had from him. I found out later that he had actually called a friend of mine, to check up on me before he sent it. My friend who was out of town visiting family for Christmas couldn’t for obvious reasons actually give him that update.

It is hard to explain the hurt that comes from your family abandoning you during a health crisis. I’m not saying that talking with me during the period directly after my commitment to the psych ward was easy. I’d experienced a psychotic episode and the confusion that resulted from that terrifying experience was overwhelming. As a result of both my estrangement and an uncritical hospital staff, I still don’t know what was said to justify the 72hr involuntary hold that I was placed under. Involuntary holds are for situations where people are considered to be a danger to themselves or others which despite my delusional state of mind at the time of my hospital admission did not describe my situation. I was not suicidal nor had I threatened anyone. By the time the 72hr hold was put in place, I was already lucid and I remained lucid after that. The hold was justified to me by saying that my assertion that I had no interest in self-harm differed from what my sister had told 911.

At the time of my commitment, I hadn’t spoken to my sister in months. She did not have an up to date understanding of either my mental health in general or the events that led her to calling 911. She was actually describing what she had learned second hand from my brother.

I had been going in and out of lucidity for a couple of days but the events that led police to show up at my door only spanned about 10 hours. I had made several odd and harassing tweets on twitter (all of which I have since deleted) that were out of character. I had also made about 20 calls to my brother, none of which that I can remember. My memories of what led up to being hospitalized are unclear, I remembers moments of lucidity and have some vague recollections of delusions.

It is not that I do not understand my brother’s concern or even that I deny that at that point I needed to be in the hospital. It is more that the way it was done and the silence and lack of empathy that I experienced thereafter only compounded my confusion and my ability to try to understand what had happened to me.

The police, when they arrived did not even attempt to communicate with me what was going on which only fed the confusion and panic that I was experiencing. I had been pretty lucid if confused when they showed up but by the time they removed me from the apartment I was completely psychotic.

Even then, I experienced moments of lucidity. I clearly remember being in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and begging a paramedic to talk to me. I said I was frightened and confused and that it would help if she communicated with me but she just stood there silently.

When I arrived at the hospital, I was just left restrained, which caused me to further panic. I do not know how long I was left like that. I just remember going through repeated delusions where I believed that I was dying. I’m not sure if I passed out or was drugged but I eventually came to my senses, I was still restrained but now I was in a different place and I was wearing a hospital gown.

I begged to be let out of the restraints but was repeatedly refused. I did eventually convince them to release my left arm which is affected by cerebral palsy by pointing out that the angle at which it was restrained was painful and likely to cause injury (I have since experienced months of pain in that shoulder and X-Rays show a very distinct gap in that shoulder).

I’m not sure how long I waited to be released from the rest of the restraints. I was then transferred to the emergency psychiatric ward where I spent the night and most of the next day. It was here that I was officially put under the 72hr hold. I was then transferred to the regular psychiatric ward where I spent the next 7 days.

It is hard to explain the experience of being lucid but still very confused from having recently been delusional. My memory was terrible and not just about the events directly preceding my arrival at the hospital. On the rare occasions that I was visited by a psychiatrist, he maintained questions around the mystery 911 call. I mostly remember being frustrated with him both for the confusing and not constructive sessions but also for not taking seriously my complaints about the general inaccessibility of the psych ward or my concerns about my heart rate.

This part I remember quite clearly. The entire time I was in the hospital I experienced intense dizziness which was likely the result of the fact that my heart rate stayed around 180bpms until just before I left. I know this phenomenon started before I arrived, though no one actually asked me about it.

It’s still strange to think about because it was obviously a concern. When I reported that in addition to having that high heart rate my chest also hurt, I was rushed to radiology for a chest X-Ray. The nurses often commented on the fact that it stayed so high but it was never something that was discussed with me beyond, “here take this benzo”. The fact that this didn’t actually meaningfully lower my heart rate didn’t seem to bother anyone but me.

I was able to express my concern strongly enough that I spent 42hrs on a Holter heart monitor and got an echocardiogram but it was never really meaningfully discussed beyond “we’re going to make sure nothing is wrong with your heart”. The physical impact of having an elevated heart rate for days on end never seemed like a concern.

Image description: A woman seated on rock steps pulling down the neck of her blue Tshirt to show the holter heart monitor that she is wearing

It made it so I couldn’t actually participate in the psych ward the way I was supposed to and I was frightened to shower without a shower chair. It took two requests and over 24hrs to get access to that chair. The nurses also didn’t seem to understand that my physical condition differed from what I normally experienced out of hospital. They asked ridiculous questions like “how do you manage this at home?”

“Well I’m not usually so dizzy that I feel like I could pass out at any moment while upright”

The lack of communication was so complete that “the rules” were not even explained to me. When I arrived I had been shown the common room and dining room and that was the extent of my introduction to being on the psych ward.

Because I was not interested in self-harm and because I was still confused from my psychotic episode, it didn’t occur to me to consider everything I did through the lens of “could I use this to kill myself or someone else” which is how I ended up breaking the rule against having glass bottles on the ward.

I had to hyper focus on just getting through each day on a deeply inaccessible ward where no one considered my access needs and at times penalized me for having them. I wasn’t able to be “independent enough”. I’m still unclear on what they think independence is, though I’ve managed to live independently without major incident in the nearly six months since I left.

During my time in the psych ward, I had few visitors. My other sister flew to Toronto from Saskatchewan but only visited me three times. She treated my hospital stay as something that had interrupted her impromptu vacation in Toronto. While she did bring me a few items of clothing from my apartment, they were not enough to cover the 8 days I spent there.

I ended up being brought clean shirts from the two friends who took time out of their days to visit me. Though I did end up living in hospital gowns longer than I had to (you aren’t allowed clothes while on an involuntary hold). Both of these friends learned where I was through Facebook and independently volunteered to bring me things. I will forever be grateful to them both.

When I was finally released 8 days after being admitted, I had learned nothing useful about what had led to my psychotic episode. No one had discussed treatment moving forward, other than to prescribe me benzodiazepine. I was otherwise simply told to visit my GP.

The hospital wanted my sister to come pick me up and I texted her to come get me. I ended up leaving her in the hospital lobby and getting a cab home when she revealed that she had decided to stop and get lunch before checking me out of the hospital. I couldn’t after all expect her to put my needs over delaying her meal by 30 minutes while trying to get off a locked ward.

There is something terrifying about living alone after a psychotic episode. Not only are you terrified it will happen again but you are scared that once again you will have to go through it completely alone. It took several months for me to finally be prescribed a good combination of anti-anxiety meds to finally have this fear subside.

One of the frustrating things is that I’m sure that I could have just been driven to the hospital if only I had someone who cared enough to do that. Instead I was confronted by unsympathetic police officers who invaded my apartment without even trying to explain what was going on. I am still recovering from injuries sustained by being unsafely restrained while being left to panic.

My mental health is doing much better and the medications that I’m on are working well but I still feel very alone. This was a rather horrific way to find out that no one in my family was willing to sacrifice even their own comfort to support me. Not while I was in the hospital or after.

While talking about this before I have been accused of “just seeming angry at everyone”. I do in fact still feel a great deal of anger toward the police, paramedics, and hospital for how my care was mishandled. When it comes to my family though it is more a feeling of abandonment. One that was probably a long time coming. It was a final act of indifference that proved that they are and have always been unwilling to inconvenience themselves for me. Even when I am powerless in the hospital or trying to pick up the pieces after getting out. That members of my family will use one of the worst events of my life to go on vacation and feel slighted if I have the audacity to expect to be put first during that time.

I am so grateful that I am a student in disability studies and that I was and am able to be open with my department about what happened to me even while it was happening. One of my professors even offered to help break me out if I thought they might try to keep me. I am grateful that they supported my decision to change my research focus to looking at the ways family and society still hide mad/disabled women away and discourage us from taking up space in the home and in public.

I am slowly getting back into the rhythm of things and being excited at progressing towards my dissertation. I still have a lot of work to do but I am looking forward to getting it done.

How to Support My Work

So now for the very in-depth appeal for support for my PhD. Please read through this, there are so many ways to help, including just sharing this blog post on social media.

If you want to help me buy books and other resources for my PhD, you can buy me an amazon gift card and send it to the following email address

The email is kimberleyjanephd@gmail.com

I will not be answering queries about my research through this email. It is solely a way for people who want to support my work to be able to do so. (this is a safety boundary). If you want to talk to me, find me on Twitter.

My research and supporting myself will get past the reading phase and there will be field work in my future. If you would like to help me fund my PhD in the long term you can

support me on patreon

Become a Patron!

buy me a ko-fi

send me money via paypal

send an e money transfer to the email above (if you have scruples about third party sites) use the answer “scholar” for etransfers

Disabled Children Deserve Privacy

I have always been deeply grateful that I grew up before social media was a thing. I am glad that there are no videos of me for “educational” purposes. I am particularly happy that there are no videos of my trauma going around and had I been born two decades after I actually was there probably would be.

There is again a video of a disabled child making the rounds of the internet and the impact has been utterly horrific. I am not going to name this child or link to any of the coverage because the fact that all of this exists right now is already horrific enough. That this stuff will still be on the internet, very much attached to his name is unconscionable.

It is bad enough that his mother made the well intentioned but disastrous decision to both film and then publish a video of her nine year old child expressing suicidal ideation as a result of the bullying he experienced as a result of his disability and racism. She was hoping to raise awareness of the impact of ableist racist bullying. That video has now been viewed millions of times and been shared by countless people.

None of the reactions have shown that people understood what happened or the work to undo deeply ingrained cultural prejudice that needs to happen in order to actually change the reality of growing up disabled. The first response was simply pity. Pity that was mixed with shock and horror but pity nonetheless.

What followed were misguided attempts to cheer up this child. There was a fundraiser to send him to Disneyland. I’m not saying he wouldn’t enjoy the outing, he very well may. I however, do know as someone who was virulently bullied that a fun holiday would not erase the harm of the abuse I experienced. It would also not stop it from happening. Disabled people don’t need trips to Disneyland. We need systemic change that stops abuse from happening to us and resources to help deal with the abuse that has already occurred.

Unfortunately because pity is rarely a productive response to bigotry for many it soon turned into suspicion. This appears to be because people learned that the child’s family is not poor. Suddenly, this money raised for a holiday without their input is seen as something they do not deserve. Many people began complaining that it had been raised in the first place.

From there some people began to believe that this boy, who had been bullied to the point of wanting to die was not actually a child at all. The decided that he was an adult putting on an act.

I can confirm he is in fact a nine year old child.

People used prejudice about the way disabled people, particularly racialized disabled people look to ultimately label the entire situation a sham.

All of this is speeding around the internet internationally with persistent virality and all of it is tied to a traumatized child by name. In addition to the trauma that led to his thoughts of self-harm. He now has to deal with the fact that many people believe that he is lying.

The publication of his expression of serious trauma did not as was intended “raise awareness”. Rather it is currently compounding the harm he has already experienced. It is impossible to predict how long this will be used as a tool to dehumanize this child in the short term. Much less the impact it might have as he grows up and begins applying for university or entering the work force.

In the age of the modern internet, it will be far to easy to not only tie him permanently not only to this video showing extreme trauma which would be bad enough but also to the fallout that ensued.

The world was shown a deeply traumatized child and reacted first with pity and then with vindictive suspicion.

The way people responded is not really that surprising even as it fills me with rage. People have been sharing these kinds of videos for years and while they frequently go viral. There is no real corresponding social change. Not even in the area of “awareness”. No child deserves to have the world be this aware of them.

Yet, all I can now do is sit here and hope that as a result of the hateful fallout of this latest video shared in the name of “awareness” that the parents of disabled children will be more reticent in what they share about their children with the public.

Please, please never gamble your child’s well being for “awareness”. Please put the responsibility of creating change and learning on those who are ignorant of disability not disabled people trying to survive that ignorance.

Disabled children deserve privacy. That lesson should not need to come at the cost that this child is paying.

How to Support My Work

So now for the very in-depth appeal for support for my PhD. Please read through this, there are so many ways to help, including just sharing this blog post on social media.

If you want to help me buy books and other resources for my PhD, you can buy me an amazon gift card and send it to the following email address

The email is kimberleyjanephd@gmail.com

I will not be answering queries about my research through this email. It is solely a way for people who want to support my work to be able to do so. (this is a safety boundary). If you want to talk to me, find me on Twitter.

My research and supporting myself will get past the reading phase and there will be field work in my future. If you would like to help me fund my PhD in the long term you can

support me on patreon

Become a Patron!

buy me a ko-fi

send me money via paypal

send an e money transfer to the email above (if you have scruples about third party sites) use the answer “scholar” for etransfers

The Peanut Butter Falcon and Doing Disability Differently in Film

Image Description. Poster for the Peanut Butter Falcon. The three stars Tyler (Shia LaBoeuf), Zak (Zack Gottsagen), and Eleanor (Dakota Johnson) are on a wooden raft while Zak poses with a gun on a river with the movie's title at the bottom.
Image Description. Poster for the Peanut Butter Falcon. The three stars Tyler (Shia LaBeouf), Zak (Zack Gottsagen), and Eleanor (Dakota Johnson) are on a wooden raft while Zak poses with a gun on a river with the movie’s title at the bottom.

The Peanut Butter Falcon is a beautiful artistically shot film that manages to humanize Zak, its main character who has down syndrome in a way most films with disabled characters.

Far to often disabled characters are plot devises who serve as objects of inspiration or pity and fail to show the audience a realistic and humanized portrayal of the disability experience. Peanut Butter Falcon on the other hand manages to portray Zak as a well rounded character with agency within a plot that at times depends on a degree of unreality. This is definitely a film that stands apart in its ability to portray depth and truth through a story that is at times dreamlike.

The story follows Zak who has been living in a retirement home as the only nonelderly resident. He resents not only his inappropriate living environment but also the fact that he is denied the chance to pursue his dream of becoming a professional wrestler. He escapes the retirement home and teams up with Tyler, a small time criminal on the run, to get to a wrestling training academy.

The retirement home sends idealistic care aide Eleanor to retrieve Zak and the three embark on an adventure.

The film has a set up that could so easily have fallen into old and harmful tropes. Yet it subverts all those stereotypes while maintaining a light and positive tone.

The film starts out strong by not sacrificing the humanity of the senior citizens who also inhabit the retirement home with Zak. They are his frequent co-conspirators in his escape attempts. They understand that he doesn’t belong there as much as he does.

The movie also deals beautifully with the reality that a person can discriminate and do harm to disabled people without intending to and that good intentions can still reinforce and be dehumanizing. Eleanor starts out aware of the unfairness of Zak’s life in the retirement home and sees herself in opposition to the system that forces him to be there but she doesn’t start to see how her own treatment of Zak is condescending and dehumanizing until after he escapes and refuses to return with her.

The movie has no simple answers for complex issues. There are moments of triumph and disappointment. This is a story that very much leaves you with the knowledge that the characters still have to live their lives after the final credits roll. Everything isn’t wrapped up in a nice bow.

One of my favourite aspects of the film is what many describe as a “modern Mark Twain adventure” (Even the characters in the film). The story manages to evoke the tone of a tall tale well told while still keeping the realness of the characters intact.

When I criticize bad portrayals of disability, I am often accused of wanting some kind of unobtainable perfection in representation. I, however, just want good stories told well. The Peanut Butter Falcon achieves this in spades. Star Zach Gottsagen gives a stellar performance and has amazing chemistry with his costars. The film manages to avoid all to common disability tropes easily without it feeling like you are being beaten over the head with a moral lesson.

All you have to do is want to tell a better and bigger story.

I hope that more stories about disabled characters will be given this kind of depth and respect in the future.

I highly recommend the film.

Here is the trailer.

How to Support My Work

So now for the very in-depth appeal for support for my PhD. Please read through this, there are so many ways to help, including just sharing this blog post on social media.

If you want to help me buy books and other resources for my PhD, you can buy me an amazon gift card and send it to the following email address

The email is kimberleyjanephd@gmail.com

I will not be answering queries about my research through this email. It is solely a way for people who want to support my work to be able to do so. (this is a safety boundary). If you want to talk to me, find me on Twitter.

My research and supporting myself will get past the reading phase and there will be field work in my future. If you would like to help me fund my PhD in the long term you can

support me on patreon

Become a Patron!

buy me a ko-fi

send me money via paypal

send an e money transfer to the email above (if you have scruples about third party sites) use the answer “scholar” for etransfers

I Stand With Wet’suwet’en: Don’t Use Disabled People to Shame Protesters

Disabled people can be a very convenient scapegoat to either be the victim or the villain in just about any social issue. When it comes the environmental causes we have certainly been both.

In the often misguided war on single use plastic we are both the villains for needing many single use plastic products. We are also largely ignored as bans on things like plastic straws gain momentum. The latest battle is one where we are being used as convenient victims to shame the growing national protests in support of the Wet’suwet’en hereditary chiefs against the encroachment of a nationalized pipeline going through an unapproved route through their territory.

This issue is also so much bigger than the environment as it is also primarily an issue of Canadian colonialism and racism against Indigenous people. Yet, a British Columbia disability org, Disability Alliance BC wants to reframe an issue about land sovereignty and reconciliation as an issue of accessibility. This is a viewpoint that at least one news outlet seems happy to parrot.

It places the presumed access needs of disabled Canadians over the rights of Canadians to protest and over the rights of Indigenous Canadians.

I am appalled by the colonialism being practiced in my name and I want to express in the strongest terms that Disability Alliance BC does not speak for me.

I condemn completely the very idea a weaponizing disabled people in service to colonialism and placing our comfort and convenience against the rights of Indigenous people. Because, let’s be clear this isn’t an argument about conflicting rights. This is largely an argument against inconvenience. The same kind of inconvenience that everyone is intended to experience as a result of these kinds of protests.

Disability Alliance BC could be spending its time trying to mitigate the inconvenience to disabled people who lives might be disrupted by the current wave of protests. They have by no means shut down all travel in the country. They have instead chosen to shame protesters who want to support reconciliation and the Wet’suwet’en protests, rather than look for available solutions and place the blame where it really belongs. On the doorstep of a colonial government that both seeks to further entrench Canada in colonial violence and which on an every day basis fails to invest in accessibility for disabled Canadians. If Canada cared about accessibility disabled people wouldn’t be able to be used as a stick with which to bludgeon protesters because we would already have options to deal with unexpected travel delays.

If disability and access must come up in this conversation let it be one of criticism of how we still don’t have those options and how that is a structural wrong that should not be placed at the feet of protesters. Let the conversation also highlight the additional barriers Indigenous disabled people face as a result of colonialism.

Do not, however, legitimize the idea that protesters are wronging disabled people. Society already did that. I know I am not the only disabled person who does not want to be used as a tool to deny justice to others. My humanity should not and demonstrably in this case does not come at the cost of the humanity and rights of others.

I stand with Wet’suwet’en

I condemn the rhetoric of division that puts my rights and comfort above the rights of others. Particularly when their rights are being actively attacked by the government. When they face direct intimidation and violence from the RCMP.

I stand with Wet’sewet’en not with Disability Alliance BC

On Deserving to Have your PhD Funded

Image Description: A Photo of my Masters of Art Certificate
Image Description: A Photo of my Masters of Art Certificate

There is a lot of advice about getting advanced degrees, particularly PhDs one of the big ones being

Don’t do it unless you don’t have to pay for it.

PhDs are expensive and time consuming. When I was accepted to my PhD, I was offered a funding package. It barely covers my rent, much less my tuition. My funding is also contingent on whether I am working or not. My health over the last year has been in shambles for a variety of reasons and my ability to work has been compromised. Oh, I’m accommodated but I receive my money in 3 separate payments. The 4 hours a week they pay me to work. Then a smaller amount to that used to be paid in the paycheck but isn’t anymore for some reason. Finally I get another few hundred dollars the following month in recognition of both my funding and the fact that my accommodations state that I am well enough to work 10 hours a week (which is the standard ideal average set by the university. I just need my tasks to be accessible. I never asked for less work.

This 3 payment system makes it difficult to impossible to survive on a budget that already also includes a student loan.

If I wasn’t a PhD student, I would be homeless or a “burden on the state” those are just realities that I have to live with. Being a PhD student keeps me fed.

My research is also going to require field work which will cost money. I will have to return to my hometown and acquire all of my old school and medical records.

I also have to consider whether I have access to research materials in an accessible format. The more books I can own in kindle format, the more organized my research will be. I am of course investing my own money in this endeavour but I am going to come up short.

I have decided to start asking the readers of my blog to consider supporting my PhD work in a number of ways. This decision has lead to a lot of backlash though largely not by the regular readers of my blog.

I am receiving criticism mainly from trolls on twitter but I am also getting shamed on reddit and it all comes down to this idea that if I ask for money that I must be some kind of entitled fraud.

For the record, I’ve thus far been given a whopping $90 which I spent on ebooks. The idea that the simple act of asking for help constitutes entitlement is interesting. If only Jordan Peterson’s fans were of the same opinion about him while he was making thousands a month on the site (until he was kicked off).

I currently make a whopping $45/month on patreon. There seems to be this false idea that the mere act of asking for money or other help immediately results in success is also frequently present.

So do I “deserve” to have my PhD crowdfunded? That’s up to other people to decide. I do know that my research has value and has already peaked the interest of a number of fellow academics (don’t worry fam, I know we’re all poor).

My blog stats are exploding today, mostly as a result of people enraged with the idea that I might be overly entitled for asking for things that I have no control over whether I receive them.

There is also just the issue of what online content counts as the kind that people can “legitimately” turn into businesses. My blog content is often activist in tone and many seem to think that politically active marginalized people can survive on nothing but air because they get very angry when we remind people we need to eat and pay rent. The idea that my activism isn’t work is always ironic particularly in September when my blog stats let me know just how many universities have courses that use my work.

This has never been about whether I deserve to have my PhD funded and everything to do with who is allowed to personally place value on their own work. I am not forcing people to give me money. There is no pay wall on this website.

Do I deserve to get paid for the work I do, yes. Are you personally required to put up the money, no.

Thank you for coming to my rant on work, ability, and worth

How to Support My Work

So now for the very in-depth appeal for support for mu PhD. Please read through this, there are so many ways to help, including just sharing this blog post on social media.

Kindle ebooks read on my iPad are the easiest way for me to read and take notes unfortunately Amazon does not allow people to buy ebooks for others through their wishlist system. I have an Amazon Wish list anyway as some of the books can only be purchased in print or from third party sellers because they are out of print. If you could buy me one of the books that can only be had in print, I would greatly appreciate it. If you want to help fund the ebooks I’ll need you can buy me a gift card and send it to the following email address

The email is kimberleyjanephd@gmail.com

I will not be answering queries about my research through this email. It is solely a way for people who want to support my work to be able to do so. (this is a safety boundary). If you want to talk to me, find me on Twitter.

My research and supporting myself will get past the reading phase and there will be field work in my future. If you would like to help me fund my PhD in the long term you can

support me on patreon

Become a Patron!

buy me a ko-fi

send me money via paypal

send an e money transfer to the email above (if you have scruples about third party sites)

I also have a generic disability wish list of things that would just improve my quality of life

Thank you for your ongoing support. and just an FYI I’m changing my name socially to Kimberley Jane Erin. You can call me Kim or Jane but I prefer Jane. I am however, not the least uncomfortable with Kim so don’t worry about messing up.

It’s time I really leaned into my identity as a scholar. I hope you’ll support me